Silence Is Not Golden

Article by Tiffany J. Norwood

Silence is golden when it is better for those unruly thoughts of yours to not present themselves verbally. Silence is golden when a situation arises, and the use of non-verbal cues or actions does a good job of communicating. Silence is golden when you have a grand vision, and you choose to keep it to yourself rather than tell someone who is small minded, who might put you down.

You can discern when to speak and when not to speak. The important question here is: When is it painful for you not to speak? Allow me to dig into the dreadful…silent treatment.

In my previous marriage, the silent treatment was a notorious beast. I knew nothing of the sort ever existed prior to this relationship, and it left me confused when I was blatantly ignored…without an explanation. The phrase “mental or emotional health” was also foreign to me at that time and for many unfortunate years, I did not understand the dynamics of this hurtful and manipulative way of non-verbal communication.

Being an advocate, educator, and practitioner who encourages healthy relationships through my company, Your Emotions Matter, I am adamant that appropriate and effective communication is high on the list of what contributes to the success of any type of relationship. This is not a secret; however, it is widely known that communication in general is challenging to master; it takes years of trial and error, and unconsciously allowing your emotions to get the best of you. Simultaneously, not realizing that you have the ability to control how you feel, by taking the time to recognize the situation and slow down, in order to be able to move from an emotional space to a rational space and say, “Hey, this is an issue. It is hurtful to me and I do not want us to live this way.”

Why does the silent treatment occur? I see at least four reasons: (1) Someone wants to control you. (2) The other person wants you to feel bad about yourself. (3) Someone does not feel heard and they just give up. (4) A person has trouble communicating how they feel. There are a few other reasons for the silent treatment, but the point to recognize is that it is unhealthy behavior and should not be tolerated in any close relationship.

Let me go deeper in to understanding communication behaviors. One of the primary functions of your brain is to keep you safe. You look both ways when crossing the street, you remain at a safe speed and distance between other cars, and you know not to touch a hot stove. However, when it comes to your emotions, most people have not been taught how to manage them or even taught that it is possible that they could be managed.

Whatever it is that threatens how you feel, it will initially play out in a manner that displays this lack of knowledge. Your body will naturally float into your innate fight, flight, or freeze mechanism. For example, instead of keeping the communication going and risk being hurt again, you freeze. Guess what happens next? Your counterpart recognizes this shift, and freezes as well, giving birth to this type of unnecessary and damaging conflict. Please keep in mind, people react or respond in ways that are unconscious, which means they have no idea what they are doing while they are being the bearer of bad news to someone else. Again, the other person internalizes this and responds likewise. It is a vicious cycle.

What can you do to resolve the silent treatment? This is where emotional intelligence comes in, and it includes self-awareness and mindfulness. Self-awareness and mindfulness play a huge part in how you successfully navigate your choices and indeed your life. Be a constant student of yourself—and others! When you are a constant student of yourself and take the time to reflect so you may feel the silent treatment coming on, please realize that this is an opportunity to learn something new. By being open to learning, this helps you to grow by seeing all conflict as means to better understand the other person. Go over and kindly say to them, “Tell me what I did that bothered you?” Or, “I would like to share with you something that bothered me.”

Whether you are at the front end or the receiving end of the silent treatment, make things easier by being willing to reciprocate positive communication. Listen first to understand…versus listening just to reply. Allow the other person to do the same. Take it slow and if the situation is severe, allow space for things to cool down (this will get easier with practice and love). The trick here is to not wait too long. A few hours, the next day maybe but not two weeks!

Please know that I do what I do here at Your Emotions Matter to tell you to not make the silent treatment a habit in your relationship. Life is short and precious, and you do not want it ticking away in vain.

Tiffany J. Norwood is founder and CEO of Your Emotions Matter. She is an emotional intelligence expert, author, certified NLP practitioner and a transformational speaker. Find more at www.youremotionsmatter.com